Truths about Life
TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE
LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you
try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at
your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you,
don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year
old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to
watch your food.
6) Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.
7) Don't sneeze when
someone is cutting your hair.
8) Puppies still have bad
breath, even after eating a tic-tac.
9) Never hold a Dust-Buster
and a cat at the same time.
10) School lunches stick to
the wall.
11) You can't hide a piece
of broccoli in a glass of milk.
12) Don't wear polka-dot
underwear under white shorts.
13) The best place to be
when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.
2) There is always a lot to
be thankful for, if you take the time to look …
For example, I'm sitting here thinking how nice it is that
wrinkles don't hurt.
3) One reason to smile is
that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a
hamstring.
4) Car sickness is the
feeling you get when the monthly payment is due.
5) The best way to keep
kids at home is to make a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their
tires.
6) Families are like fudge
. . . mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
7) Today's mighty oak is
just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
8) Laughing helps. It's
like jogging on the inside.
9) Middle age is when you
choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
10) My mind not only
wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
11) If you can remain calm,
you just don't have all the facts.
12) You know you're getting
old when you stop to tie your shoes and wonder
what else you can do while you're
down there.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
1) Growing old is mandatory;
growing up is optional.
2) Insanity is my only
means of relaxation.
3) Forget the health food.
I need all the preservatives I can get.
4) You're getting old when
you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
5) Perhaps you know why
women over fifty don't have babies: They would put them
down somewhere and forget where they
left them.
6) One of life's mysteries
is how a two pound box of candy can make a person gain five pounds.
7) Every time I think about
exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
8) God put me on earth to
accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind,
I will live forever.
9) It's frustrating when
you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
10) I finally got my head
together, and my body fell apart.
11) There cannot be a
crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
12) Time may be a great
healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.
13) The older you get, the tougher
it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat
are really good friends.
14) Age doesn't always
bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
15) Just when I was getting
used to yesterday, along came today.
16) Sometimes I think I understand
everything ... then I regain consciousness.
17) Amazing! You just hang
something in your closet for awhile, and it shrinks two sizes.
18) It is bad to suppress
laughter; it goes back down and spreads to your hips.
19) Freedom of the press
means no-iron clothes.
20) Inside some of us is a
thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually be sedated
with a few pieces of chocolate
cake.
21) Seen it all, done it
all, can't remember most of it.
22) The four stages of
life:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus